The Governess's Secret Longing Read online

  ‘Of course not,’ she said, and the spectre of all the ladies he had not disappointed ran through her head like a bevy of ghostly beauties wearing smug smiles and whispering He wanted us, but he will never want a drab little mouse like you, but she already knew that.

  ‘Especially a very young lady whom I love,’ he added almost defiantly, as if he could see those ghosts as well.

  ‘Your aunt has taken Bram and Emma to visit Bram’s godmother, and she asked me to leave Lucy alone upstairs to have a good hard think about her appalling conduct last time she went there.’

  ‘Oh...lud,’ Sir Harry replied so slowly that Viola mentally filled in the gaps since she had a soldier brother and her own childhood as a tomboy to supply plenty of oaths a true lady would not know; one more thing to shock him about the real woman under the prim exterior if he ever bothered to look. ‘It’s no wonder Aunt Tam refused to take Lucy, after the fuss she caused last time,’ he added ruefully.

  ‘Miss Marbeck told me how forthright Lucy was about Lady Lubley’s wig and lapdogs last time.’

  ‘She is a stubborn little monkey and I have no idea how she thought she was going to get away with her martyr act. Everyone must know she has been left behind as a punishment and someone was sure to tell me.’

  ‘I know Lucy has a hot temper and plenty of devilment, but she is only six and a half, Sir Harry. Luckily she is not awake on every suit yet.’

  ‘She will be dangerous when she is.’

  ‘And it is my lot to teach her not to hurt and manipulate people for her own ends before she gets that far.’

  ‘Not a task I envy you, Miss Yelverton,’ he told her with a smile that did unfair things to her insides. ‘And I cannot see her regretting her sins when she has been spared a trip to Lubley Lodge to apologise for them either.’

  ‘Being left upstairs alone to think about her sins is a punishment.’

  ‘Have you met Lady Lubley, Miss Yelverton?’ he asked with such humour in his eyes she had to force herself not to smile fatuously back at him and agree with every word he said.

  ‘No, but Lucy was very rude to her great-aunt as well as to Her Ladyship, and please do not tell me Lucy is too young to know what she was saying when we both know differently. Whatever Lady Lubley said or did, Miss Marbeck does not deserve to be shouted at by a little girl in a temper tantrum.’

  ‘Lucy was an infernal brat and made it worse by refusing to say she was sorry afterwards. She made Aunt Tam ashamed of helping raise such a forthright little madam, and I have never seen my stalwart aunt as low as when she told me exactly what the little imp said and did that day.’

  ‘She was too busy being furious with her for being so rude and unrepentant to let me see that,’ Viola said.

  ‘Don’t forget I have known my aunt a lot longer than you have,’ he said, as if she needed comforting because Miss Marbeck had not confided her true feelings in a governess when she thought they were almost friends after a year and a half living in the same house.

  ‘Of course she would confide her worries to you, Sir Harry. You are Miss Marbeck’s nephew as well as the children’s guardian.’

  ‘I would have thought that was a drawback rather than an asset,’ he said. No wonder he was determined the children would know they were loved, if he was unsure his aunt loved him even now. Viola wondered at the stiffness and lack of heart in Sir Harry’s own childhood for him to doubt it, but told herself it was none of her business and neither was he.

  ‘I do remember how grim it felt to be dressed up and told to be on my best behaviour, then taken on visits to crotchety elderly relatives as a boy, though,’ he went on as blithely as if he had no idea the thought of him as a wary and perhaps unloved child might melt her heart if she was not very careful. He was certainly not vulnerable and unloved now.

  ‘So do I—indeed, I expect most people can if they are being honest,’ she replied, feeling a little bit guilty because she could never be truly honest with him for the sake of her peace of mind as well as his and that wretched contract she had signed not to leave for another six months.

  ‘As her guardian, I have to be horrified by Lucy’s misdeeds, but I will admit only to you, Miss Yelverton, the scrubby schoolboy in me sneakily admires her for saying things I longed to back then, but never quite dared.’

  ‘We had to learn not to be rude to our elders and so must she,’ Viola said. A stubborn shimmer of wicked excitement was humming away deep inside her at the thought he was telling her something he had confided in nobody else and that simply would not do. She could not allow herself to be charmed into sympathy with Lucy’s boredom and frustration. She could not let him see he could beguile her into letting the little minx off her sins if he tried only a little harder.

  ‘We all want her to learn some manners, although I admit I am surprised Bram and Emma did not join in,’ he went on, as oblivious to her needy inner woman as ever. ‘I would have, or at least I would if there was a chance of escaping a thrashing when my father got me home and if I hadn’t known he would keep me on bread and water for a month to teach me not to embarrass him in public ever again.’

  Sir Alfred Marbeck must have been a harsh parent, but she had to forget the vulnerable boy this potent man grew out of or risk revealing far too much. ‘I am governess to your wards, Sir Harry,’ she reminded him. ‘When they are rude I get the blame for not correcting them sternly enough. It could spoil my chances of finding a good position when I leave.’

  ‘A very good reason why you must stay here, then, although I doubt you are hard hearted enough to leave my aunt to cope with the little devils on her own. After all, what use would I be in helping her to correct a lack of good manners when I have so few myself?’ He asked as if he really was a light-minded fribble and she should not care enough to feel cross about it. ‘I know my cousin indulged his youngest child and I also know Lucy needs to learn manners and some consideration for the feelings of others before she becomes an insufferable brat. Until now I was too worried about her happiness to worry overmuch how her mischief could affect others, but I can see I was wrong to put that before everything and carry on spoiling her.’

  ‘I am glad you realise it now, but your neighbours will still say you should find a more experienced governess or send the children to school if you truly want them to learn better manners.’ She wanted him to send her away before she did or said something that could not be undone. Yet it would be such a wrench to go.

  It hurt to feel; she should have stayed at Miss Thibett’s, where she could care about her pupils enough to want them to do their best in the next class up, but not feel as if part of her heart was being ripped out when they moved on. She refused to even think about the gap never seeing him again was going to leave as he went on as if he had no idea how she felt. But how could he? Because he was a man and a self-assured and handsome one as well, so of course he did not.

  ‘Not if they want to remain on good terms with me they will not,’ he said. ‘You know I cannot send them away when they are still grieving for their parents. Your kindness to all three of my wards is too important for me to replace you with a stern harridan simply to keep the Lady Lubleys of this world happy, Miss Yelverton.’

  ‘Thank you for your forbearance, Sir Harry,’ Viola said limply and tried to mean it.

  ‘It is not forbearance. It’s terror,’ Harry admitted, shocked by the realisation that a hole threatened to open up in his life if Miss Yelverton left here as she seemed to want to. ‘The children would be bereft if you returned to Miss Thibett’s school, so I cannot afford to lose you and neither can they. Since she is the adult in this drama and Lucy is a small girl, Lady Lubley comes out of this far worse than a six-year-old with a hasty temper. She cannot expect three grieving children to behave like pattern cards in her tedious presence; I know I itch to be off after five minutes of her company.’

  ‘Lucy might grow up as demanding and difficult as Lady Lubley if she does not learn to be kinder as well as more polite.’

  It was a horrible thought, but he refused to countenance it. ‘And losing you would make her worse and unsettle all three of my wards and their great-aunt as well. You seem to be fated to remain here until the children are full grown, Miss Yelverton, since clearly none of us can manage without you,’ he said all too truthfully and fought down a sense of panic at the very notion of doing so.

  He had been a good baronet; he had stayed away from Garrard House as much as he could without making the children feel he did not love them any more. He kept a mistress in luxury nearby to sate this ridiculous need for a woman he could not have. He shifted uncomfortably even now because somehow he still wanted Miss Yelverton anyway, but that was his own particular hair shirt to wear and his duty to make sure she never found out about it.

  ‘Your wards might be better off with children of their own age,’ she argued. Why on earth would she not let the idea go and leave him to find Lucy so he could make it clear to her she was being a brat?

  ‘As you have just pointed out to me, Lucy is only six and a half years old, and even Emma is not twelve for a few months. We have years before decisions about their schooling need to be made, and you are doing an excellent job in the meanwhile.’

  ‘Boys often go to preparatory schools at seven and Bram is eight,’ she persisted, and he could hardly shake her for it when that would make matters even worse.

  ‘School can wait until he is ready, or he can stay until he is at Oxford, as far as I am concerned,’ he said with what he thought was exemplary patience under the circumstances.

  ‘He will want to get away from his sisters long before that. He needs friends of his own age and a fair share of boyi
sh adventures before he must take care of his sisters and this house and land when he comes of age.’

  ‘That is my worry, not his,’ Harry said with a frown. ‘Chris’s will left me responsible for Bram’s inheritance until he is five and twenty and Lucy and Emma are the same age or married. I must talk to him about the terms of his parents’ wills if he is worrying about this house and his sisters’ future instead of catching frogs and climbing trees and doing all the things grubby boys should at his age. At least I will have plenty of time to work my way into the role of stern guardian to the girls. By the time Emma makes her debut, I should be ready to glower at her suitors like a tyrant in a play,’ he said lightly enough, but even by then he could not imagine this place without Miss Yelverton looking on as if she disapproved of their guardian, but secretly doted on his wards.

  ‘And even when she is old enough to make her come out, Emma will need help and encouragement, Sir Harry,’ she warned him, but didn’t she know he worried enough about Emma without her assistance? ‘You were quite right to remove her from Miss Thibett’s school until she could recover from the first shock of her loss, but it might be best if she went back before too long. She should not worry about a little brother and sister all the time, and she needs friends of her own age so she will not feel lonely and lost when she makes her curtsy to polite society.’

  ‘Is that how you felt, then?’ he demanded rudely. Being curious about her helped to salve this raw feeling inside because she would not stop pushing him to send the children to school, presumably so she could go back to the delights of teaching at Miss Thibett’s Academy for Young Ladies. Did she have a beau in Bath who had agreed to be left behind so they could save up to be wed all the sooner, then? Jealousy at the thought of her pining for her poor and passionate suitor raged through him like an artillery barrage at the very thought of the man even as he decided that, no, no sane man could endure watching his love leave a safe and respectable post to work for the likes of him.

  No beau, then... So, why was she in such a hurry to get back to the drudgery of teaching a whole classroom full of girls instead of his delightful two and Bram? He paid her well, and goodness knew it had taken him every promise and incentive he had to persuade Aunt Tam to come here and make all respectable in the first place. What on earth ailed the woman that she was nearly begging him to let her go now?

  * * *

  ‘I felt...’

  What a question to ask her and how on earth was she supposed to answer it when even she did not know quite how to describe her feelings at the time of her own come out?

  ‘I was in a very different situation to the one Emma will face when she is old enough to make her debut,’ she said and hoped he would let the matter of hers drop.

  ‘You were still a young woman on the verge of adulthood, with all the thrills and pitfalls of life waiting for you,’ he insisted, as if he really wanted to know how she had felt and what she had wondered about as a girl, as if he was thinking of her as someone more than just a governess. Why must he poke about in her head when she still felt tender and raw about the whole wretched business of her debut? She had enough to endure with him close enough to touch, and why did she have to feel like this about him anyway? None of her suitors back then had made her want to be siren-like and sensual so she could make them want her as surely as she wanted him.

  ‘I am a vicar’s daughter, Sir Harry, not a minor heiress in my own right like Emma and Lucy,’ she said brusquely to discourage him from asking her anything else and encourage him to go away again.

  ‘That made you less subject to the pitfalls and triumphs of the social world, did it? I think not, Miss Yelverton,’ he said, as if she had piqued his interest and he refused to let the subject drop.

  ‘Of course not,’ she said with a defensive glare to say she was not happy with this topic and it was time he amused himself elsewhere.

  ‘Then what was it like? As I have never been a genteel young lady, I have no idea how it feels to be one. I want to understand what Emma needs to do before she gets there and it is too late to prepare her for the pitfalls of polite society.’

  ‘It will not be too late for her,’ Viola said. Emma would have him in the background, always concerned, forever on the watch for wolves and ready to head them off before they could do his beloved ward harm. ‘She will have you,’ she felt driven to explain, because he truly did care and that made him even more of a temptation.

  ‘Not many respectable people would think me an asset as guardian and protector. I always thought you were one of the front runners in the race to find me wanting, Miss Yelverton.’

  Did he sound a little bit hurt by the idea she disapproved of him? Even if he was, it would be a fleeting wince. ‘Set a rake to catch a rake,’ she said carelessly, and his sudden frown said how little he liked her lazy analogy.

  Chapter Four

  ‘What a very high opinion of me you do have,’ he said. She wanted him to be cool and on his way to somewhere else, so she should have been happy when he turned away, as if he had wasted enough breath on her today.

  Instead she felt bereft and contrary and confused when she ought to be congratulating herself he had no idea she ached for his touch on her hand or just a brief meeting of eyes—anything rather than their usual avoidance of one another and awkwardness when they really had to talk. A kiss was a bad idea, even if he would not find the idea of kissing the children’s governess wrong and ridiculous. Imagining his firm mouth teasing and tempting on hers was pure folly and she had to stop it this minute. What were they talking about? Ah, yes, Emma and her guardian in the far-off future. She seized on the idea and at least she could let a little bit of her feelings out without him noticing that way.

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant to say at all. I was going to tell you that Emma will never need to puzzle her way around flattery and clever words with you there to make it plain to any liars and opportunists to look elsewhere at the double or risk your fury,’ she explained because she was too weak to want him to go away with such an unfavourable opinion of her, or to go away at all, if it came to the exact truth of the matter.

  ‘Is that what you had to endure?’ he turned back to ask her, as if he really wanted to know, and how dare he be so perceptive when she did not want him to know about those years of slights and whispers and not very well-hidden mockery.

  ‘Of course not; I am only a vicar’s daughter, Sir Harry,’ she said, and the misery of years in the drawing rooms and ballrooms of the minor gentry felt bitter all over again. ‘I have little money and a scholarly father not as strong as we would all like him to be, and not many young men can afford to marry solely for love, even if they wanted to.’

  ‘You must have met one or two who could. Even at country balls and house parties, there would be some with means to afford a wife with a small dowry.’

  ‘You have no idea how it feels to be continuously pushed at such gentlemen, Sir Harry,’ she said, remembering the shame and frustration roused in her when her mother had done so and refused to listen to Viola’s bitter protests. ‘You are a man, for one thing, and a powerful and wealthy one for two more, so how could you know what it feels like to be branded a husband hunter? I am not sure if my mother’s desperation to get one of her daughters married respectably hurt her or me the most, since I hated the whole wretched business and came to dislike her in the doing of it as well.

  ‘It is mortifying to become a person you do not want to be, Sir Harry. In the end, I hated being primped and polished for the marriage mart so much I begrudged every penny my mother spent on our appearances as she trundled me around every party or soirée or subscription ball she could contrive an invitation to, first while we lived in Dorset, and then in Bath after my father retired there because of ill health.’

  ‘You must have had offers,’ he said, and she supposed she should be flattered that he thought so.

  ‘Oh, yes, and some of them were even respectable. My mother was delighted until I turned them all down.’

  ‘Why?’

  Why? How could he even ask her such a question?